grace

She was unaccustomedly happy for the past three days or so. Herself and all her friends were really surprised about the idea of her being extremely happy without a slightest cause. "Mmm it is a nice day" she murmured herself on each of that three days' mornings. She took showers as soon as she got up from her bed on each day. It was strange of her to do so as she usually likes taking showers before or after she goes out and especially she adores the touch of warm water before she goes to bed. On these particular days she did took shower just after she got up,more surprisingly she got up exactly on the same time on each of that three days. At 10:12.Again,this was a shock, not much like the others but shes getting up early,huh?
"There should be something making her so happy to act unexpectedly" all of her friends commented out of her knowledge of course. But,she wouldn't mind. She wouldn't care what they say or think or may do..She was just happy. "Oh sheer pure happiness how sweet you are " she wrote on pieces of papers in front of her on each day when she was supposed to be doing something else; budgeting more probably as she is at the edge of a new life. Literally a new life; new house, new neighborhood, new friends, brand new haircut of course, new writings, new songs. This is the life.
The sudden changes' shockwaves were still blocking her mind yet at the very beginning of that three days she knew something was about to happen. Something good, something shiny even Godly, Heavenly.
On the third day, she kept telling each of her beloveds that "it is a good day, it was a good day and it is going to be a good night"
Some couldn't get the idea. "What now,shes gone mad, yeah" they said. Then came the night. Night brought the proof with Her and to her and to the rest of course. The Full Moon!
Ah, what a surprise what a great surprise that the world gave her the Fullmoon on that night. She was graceful as one can be. She had always collected graces and thanks for what she's been given. On that very night, she spread all of her grace to the world. Staring at the mesmerizing Moon, she send all her thank you's..
First, she started with the World. She knew that everything will be changing in a good way. On that night the Universe sparkled infront of her bare eyes, showing her the way.
Then came her friends..She knew she doesn't have much of them. But them friends helped her enter the smiling new life for which she wouldn't have found the door to enter alone. They gave her the courage that she was desperately needing and the consciousness and all. They made her open her arms and spread her wings..With them she was the little winged thing..
She wouldn't forgot her lovers of course..She prepared a long thank you speech for them and presented at a time between past and present..
She gave a final look to the Moon and again she knew that there are brighter days lying before her.
That night she met with her existance and embraced Her.
Thank you all.

confession vs. confrontation

since i realized that wont be able to gather any sentences today, i've decided to post one of my early writings..just to make sure i said something otherwise i would forget the taste of my words.
so, enjoy. or hate. do whatever you like.

and here is the letter

i dont know what im doing with you.

what kind of a game we're playing? what are the rules and why are you the one setting rules? why do i have the feeling that i need to follow through,to follow you ? how,just how,can you be the guide here ? what urge,what drive forces me to hear everything you say and them,the things that you say,why would they make my day? whats so important in your words that i crave so desperately to read them? to read them.to read them.. you write,i hear. you write,i feel. i say,you write. you write,i ask..

i am full of questions,yes,we have all rights to call me the " question mark queen" .

but,do you think i love to be the queen? the mistress of uncertanity,ambiguity..ever in need of an answer..answer.

why do i believe that you have all the answers to my questions? i put a mark at the ends of my sentences,i say why,how..you reply;" why not"s.

im glad you reply anyhow.

somehow, i still feel,after questioning myself for hours,days ; i still feel that YOU are..you are,just,are.

i mean i am really glad that you are.i mean i love to know that you exist.in what form,how far away from me,i dont care. i know you are and i love it.

so many times i tried to explain. to explain how this love feels. how it feels loving you without touching,smelling,counting your heartbeats,feeling the warmth of your mouth,sensing you..it is all too impossible to explain how i can love you without all the things that people feel love.i mean people feel in love when theyre touching,looking at each others eyes,walking hand in hand,while making love mostly :)

but it all seems unnecesary..i know how it feels to touch you,how many times i have touched you..im pretty sure you felt them too..when you say youre too tired,cant get sleep,that it was a bad day;i touched your neck,your back..with love.

i know your taste..our lips fit together..complete adjustment..and your mouth;feels warm, wet,sweet but salty at the same time..mixture of cigars & coffees of long days sometimes accompanied with gin,whiskey,alcohol..

i know the touch of your hand..so naive,so smooth..almost like feather,weightless..warm again.so warm that the pictures you draw in my hand with your fingers burn my skin. but not hurt. i sense the warmth beneath my skin, deep in my veins..the touch of your hands make me sweat. i know you care. and you would take care of me whenever i need to be taken care of,literaly.

i know how it feels to be in your arms.. so safe. so safe that i feel myself,my body melting in your arms..the first minute.i feel the pressure of your body over mine.every inch of you;holds me..you just expand all over me.your existance covers me..than i begin to melt..with each minute,with each breath i take in your arms,i go transparent..invisible..first comes my feet.i can see my toes the second minute,i just cannot..slowly my legs begin to melt down..upper,and upper,and upper..as you hold me tighter i become lost. lost in you..my cells join to yours. adjustment again. so perfect..your body welcomes mine;my body cralws into yours..together we become one..

i know how it feels looking at you. seeing myself right in the middle of your eyes and from those eyes of yours seeing the world as something i have never seen before..almost heavenlike..that angelic vision of yours. i can even draw the picture of the tree of knowledge in the garden of eden.. i see the knowledge of world,the good and the evil in your eyes..whole life gets its meaning in your eyes,through them i can find my way even in the most dark day..

i know the way you sound..when you are excited, when you are sad,happy,anxious,miserable..i can tell by a slight voice of yours..just one sound..

i know how you think.i mean the process going on in your brain..i have wondered on each gray cell of your precious brain..like on a speedtrain i take the most enjoyable trip of my life..go back and forth;my childhood,my present,my future..our future in our minds..so perfectly fitting images of whatever we can think of.

i say strawberry you say sweet. i say chocolate you say bitter. you say fun i say smoke. i say wine you say red.

i say,say! you say i will..

i say stay,you say i will..

i say i will, you say you know..

i say i know you know ; you say you love that i know...

our minds belong together.

our bodies crave for each other.

our eyes,our lips,our touches,fingers,hands,legs,arms,cells,breaths,lungs..what is mine is yours and i know what is yours is mine..

i know you.

do you know me?

do you know how i smeel right now? just at this moment how i look? am i tired,am i sad,am i clean,clear? am i loveable,am i honest after all? am i a whore? do you ever want to know me afterall..?

say hello to the question marks,hail to the queen that you are a servant for as you so many times told so..

sometimes i wonder,if any woman felt like me for you..i mean this is too much. but is it just "much" for me,or am i too little too feel so much.

i wonder what happens if i screamed right now. at four thirtysix in the morning when the city sleeps..

just a scream,than silence..

can you hear me screaming my lungs out ? taking a deep breath from the cold air of a dirty town..big breath and to scream it back..dont you ever want to scream all the worries inside your brain,blocking your lungs,squeezing your throat..

are you still reading by the way? arent you fed up with me ? if not always,right now ?

dont you want to erease me sometimes? from your memories,from your thoughts,your brain ?

you know you can.it is so simple,so easy..one minute im here,the second im gone...quick as a blink of an eye.

you are like another planet..it has just came to my mind, i have not think of it before.

but yes.you are like a completely strange planet to me.may be among the old ones.

so old that does not shine anymore and we,the little crowd of earth cannot see..only if we could!

you have the secrets of humankind..from the chaos,to the big bang..you know it all,you knew it all,all the time..

oh,it must be so hard,so hard to keep the secret.

will you,will you please tell me? i want to know it all..who are you,what planet,what kind of a creature you are,are you a human after all?

do i care? do i care a bit if you are a human,or a freak,a ghost,a vision ?

do you think i do care?

what am i by the way?

do you know?

do you ever want to know me after all ?

am i repeating myself,am i in a coma?

have i died?

can deads smoke my love..i think, again, at the same time we lit a cigarette..breathe baby.just breathe and feel me in the smoke..slowly passing behind your lips.oh so sweet..than going behind your teeth.you swallow me..i obediently flow to your lungs..your cells carry me all over your body now. i am inside you,hello,can you feel me ??

me,i feel you baby.i can even hold my breath not to let you go.

please stay..

stay with me,in me,on me,all over me..

just be.

me.

have i lost something? thing,think, a word may be..

i just wanted to say something..

did i wrote it or is it exactly what i lost two sentences before?

oh, i remember now;

i just wanted to say i love you.

no matter how,why,when,for how long,in which way..

i just love you.

illusion vs. reality

what happens if a woman lives in her own world of visions right in the middle of the real world?
she might write a letter to her invisible lover..